Gyno Exam From Hell

You thought your last gyno exam was unpleasant? Oh, I'm sure mine tops yours. First let me say that Jake has not been feeling well since Friday. So, he's been fussy ever since. However, by Monday morning, he seemed to be feeling better so I kept my appointment for my annual exam. He took his morning nap, and when he got up we ate lunch with no real fussiness. Then, when I started to get him ready to go to the doctor, the fussiness returned.

I thought, "Should I reschedule?" No, he'll be fine once we get going.

I packed his Thomas the Train set and diaper bag and we headed to the doctor's office. He fussed the whole way.

I thought, "Should I reschedule?" No, he'll be fine.

We get there, I park, get him out of the car, set him down, the fussiness worsens. He's screaming "carry, carry, carry!". So, I carry him and the two bags, up the stairs, down the hall, and into the office. They want my new insurance card, so I have to set Jake down to dig in the bag to find my wallet. Jake screams, "carry, carry, carry!". The people begin to stare - yes, my biggest pet peeve. Then, the receptionist hands me 3 forms to fill out - great. We sit down, I get out the train, Jake dumps it all over the floor - whatever, anything to keep him quiet. Now, he's bored. So, I get out his other trucks I packed - not interested. 

I thought, "Should I reschedule?" No, he'll be fine. 

He wants the snack bag - now, I already fed him lunch. Ok, he's quiet. Time for paperwork. Insurance forms, etc., wait...what is this? A personality questionnaire? Are you freaking kidding me? They need to know how I learn. First question asks "Do you find it difficult to concentrate when there are distractions?" Now, as I'm reading this, Jake is screaming in my ear. I randomly selected answers because of the distraction - does that answer their stupid questions? My God! 

I thought, "Should I reschedule?" No, he'll be fine. 

I return the forms to the receptionist, and she hands me 3 more!!! Urgh! Honestly, I wanted to claw her eyes out. I fill out the 3 forms while Jake empties the snacks onto the floor - great! I return the 3 forms to the receptionist. OK, soon we'll be called - people stare.

I thought, "Should I reschedule?" No, he'll be fine. 

"Stacey?" - Yes! Here we go. Jake will be flirting with the nurses soon and everything will be fine. NOPE! More screaming. The nurse takes my blood pressure and I hop on the scale to find out just how wide my behind has gotten since my last appointment.

OK, into the exam room - almost there! Jake continues to scream - people stare. OK, Jake I got to get undressed. "Carry, carry, carry!" - No Jake, cotta get undressed. Screaming continues.

I thought, "Should I reschedule?" No, he'll be fine.

I manage to get into the hospital gown, with the opening in the FRONT, as directed. I try to read him a book - not interested. Then, I show him the cool little stool that he can spin and push around the room. Bad idea. He starts ramming it into the door, walls and the exam tray that is all set up for the exam, almost knocking it over. He gets bored with that and decides to grab for the exam stuff. Luckily, I caught his hand in time. Imagine the doctor walking in as Jake hurls the speculum across the room! Yeah, sounds funny now, but it sure wouldn't have been at the time!

Screaming continues. OK, let's set up the train track. So, there I am crouched down on the floor of the exam room, in a hospital gown with the opening in the front, naked underneath, setting up a train set. Yes, I know...not an imagine anyone wants. Jake's semi-interested, but not for long because in walks the doctor. The doctor couldn't help but chuckle when she saw me.

Jake freaked out, thinking the doctor was there for him and he was going to get a shot - because that's all he knows about the doctor...every time he goes, he gets a shot - ouch!

The doctor suggests that a nurse come in a play with Jake while we do the exam. The nurse comes in and Jake goes ballistic. He clings to me with a deadly grip, burying his face in my neck. Great - this ought to be interesting! OK, bad idea. So, I decide I'm going to have to do this while holding him. Yes, that's right.

Jake is wriggling around on my lap as the doctor does a breast exam. I'm trying to keep him from falling, and at the same time keep still enough for the doctor to do her thing. OK, mission accomplished. Now for the internal exam.

Jake lays down on my chest, screaming uncontrollably as the doctor does her exam. Jake's kicking my gown open, kicking the sheet off onto the floor, the doctor's trying to do things as quick as possible, the nurse is trying to keep Jake from falling off the table. My God, I'm in hell.

Exam is done - whew! The doctor screams over Jake's screams to tell me that everything looks fine, yadda, yadda, yadda. OK, thanks - we're on our way. Oops, got to get dressed. Jake screams, "carry, carry, carry!". I manage to get dressed. I cleaned up his train, and gathered his things. We're out of here! The minute we got into the hallway outside the doctor's office, Jake was all smiles and talking gibberish. Oh, Jake-y boy...I love you to death, but you sure push my patience, little one.

Stacey Lloyd
Created: 6/21/2005
Photo (right) © Stacey Lloyd
Photo (left) © Jyn Meyer